Misery

Getting pissed off is always followed with getting depressed.. For me, that is. But it isn't a direct route from anger to misery.

Somehow when I get really angry, the temper fizzles back to normal quickly, but for the next number of hours, it's all I can think about. It brews, broods, simmers & bubbles - all well below boiling point. I can do all sorts of activities at the time with utmost concentration, but the matter continues to cook at the back of my mind.

What it does affect immediately is my appetite. I don't know if it's unconscious or was a conscious thing I came up with during my childhood, knowing that this would be the best way to get back at my mother - who was usually the one I had most of my 'disagreements' with. How better to make her feel guilty. Conscious decision or not, I have no appetite when I'm pissed off. 

Zero. Zilch. Nada. I can go the whole day and more without eating when I'm in a mood. I'm sure that plays a big role in the depression that follows.

There are days when I'm starving & there's just nothing good to eat. Just boring bland stuff, that you have to make do with. And on these days even though I eat the food and thereby feed my hunger, I'm in a bad mood for awhile because I wanted something nice and couldn't get it. Food definitely has an effect on my mood!

And so depression hits. 

I search for reasons to be miserable. And get lost in my phone.

I think depressing thoughts. And go deeper in my hole.

I keep everyone at a distance. And I remain alone. 

And so I really am lonely. And so I reach my goal.

Misery may love company, yearn for it, even. But it's rather self-destructive that way..