Talk about rude..

I had the weirdest conversation (although I doubt you can even call it that..) in the lift the other day. There was this girl who I vaguely know of and have probably never spoken to in my life, with me. About 4-5 years younger than me I would guess. Half the journey was made in silence and I could see out the corner of my eye, she was studying me.

Then she breaks the silence with

"What's your weight?"

Me: (incredulous) "What?!!"

Her: (slowly in case I was retarded evidently) "What's your weight?"

I was at a complete loss for words so I did the easiest thing and answered her question..

Me: "50kg"

Her: "Oh.. What's your height?"

Me: "Five seven.."

Her: "Oh.. What's your name?"

I'm looking her straight in the eye now and she has this unreadable smile on her face. I mean, are you kidding me? When did I sign up for this weird elevator interview?? I decided to see where this was going..

Me: "Malar"

Her: "And where do you stay?"

Me: "Meghnad"

She opened her mouth again, but the doors opened on her floor. So she looks back at me, says bye, and scuttles out - leaving me bewildered and not a little annoyed at her behavior.

Parents and tattoos

I've wanted a tattoo for awhile now and recently I figured what the heck, I'm gonna do it! Unlike a lot of people, there's no way I would consider getting it without telling my parents - God, it would be terrible living with them if I did. They'd view it as a betrayal. I figured it wouldn't matter if they approved or not (and of course they would not..) as long as they knew of my intention. So I told them.

They laughed.

Me: No, seriously. I'm actually going to get one..

Dad: HAHAHA.. Tell you what, why don't you go to Thanasiyur and get it done there. You'll save your money... HAHAHA

Thanasiyur: Short for Thanasikounur(I wonder if that's how its spelled). The teeny-tiny-not-even-worthy-of-a-spot-on-the-map village where my dad was born. So tiny in fact that it has one single shop. And what might this one single shop sell you ask? Why, what else but essential items like soda, biscuits and candy?!

And of course this tiny village would have a local tattoo lady who has probably tattooed three-fourths of the village residents (which isn't saying much). I'm talking about those big, intricate, green, leafy tattoos that many women (mostly old) sport on their forearms.

For days afterward, I kept bringing up the topic in front of my parents, in the hopes that they would realize I wasn't joking.

Dad: Where are you going to get one?

Me: On my leg.

Dad: Well how on earth will anyone see it through your pants then?!

Mom (in hysterics): She'll cut a hole in all her pants exactly where the tattoo is..

Both break into laughter while I consider giving up.

Dad: Tell you what Malar, why don't you draw one on yourself?

Me: Because it will wash off.

Dad: OK how about this, you stitch a patch on all your jeans and pretend its a tattoo!

Me(dumbstruck):........

On and on and on it went until they finally realized I was serious. At which time, my Dad plays the 'Dad' card.

Dad:Well, if you want to get a tattoo, fine but not now. You can get one when you're say... thirty.

Mom agrees.

Me: Thirty?!?!? But I'll know better then!

Sigh.

Plums in orbit

Retarded as it may seem, the minute I saw these plums at a fruit stall, I had a picture in my head that they were being sent into outer space. I mean, the whole packaging looks like the shuttle with the plums 'seat-belted' in their individual air-filled compartments.. or something like that :)

The Goops

The Goops they lick their fingers,

And the Goops they lick their knives;

They spill their broth on the tablecloth

--Oh, they lead disgusting lives!

The Goops they talk while eating,

And loud and fast they chew;

And that is why I'm glad that

I am not a Goop -- Are you?

The Goops are gluttonous and rude,

They gug and gumble with their food;

They throw their crumbs upon the floor,

And at dessert they tease for more.

They will not eat their soup and bread

but like to gobble sweets, instead,

And this is why I oft decline,

When I am asked to stay and dine!"

Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast

Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast

by Charles Causley

Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast

Bought an old castle complete with a ghost,

But someone or other forgot to declare

To Colonel Fazak that the spectre was there.

On the very first evening, while waiting to dine,

The Colonel was taking a fine sherry wine,

When the ghost, with a furious flash and a flare,

Shot out of the chimney and shivered, 'Beware!'

Colonel Fazackerley put down his glass

And said, 'My dear fellow, that's really first class!

I just can't conceive how you do it at all.

I imagine you're going to a Fancy Dress Ball?'

At this, the dread ghost made a withering cry.

Said the Colonel (his monocle firm in his eye),

'Now just how you do it, I wish I could think.

Do sit down and tell me, and please have a drink.'

The ghost in his phosphorous cloak gave a roar

And floated about between ceiling and floor.

He walked through a wall and returned through a pane

And backed up the chimney and came down again.

Said the Colonel, 'With laughter I'm feeling quite weak!'

(As trickles of merriment ran down his cheek).

'My house-warming party I hope you won't spurn.

You MUST say you'll come and you'll give us a turn!'

At this, the poor spectre - quite out of his wits -

Proceeded to shake himself almost to bits.

He rattled his chains and he clattered his bones

And he filled the whole castle with mumbles and moans.

But Colonel Fazackerley, just as before,

Was simply delighted and called out, 'Encore!'

At which the ghost vanished, his efforts in vain,

And never was seen at the castle again.

'Oh dear, what a pity!' said Colonel Fazak.

'I don't know his name, so I can't call him back.'

And then with a smile that was hard to define,

Colonel Fazackerley went in to dine.

Orbit White # 3 - too much marriage proposals

Orbit White # 2 - Nobody likes yellow teeths

Orbit White # 1 - meet Dr. Bhatawdekar

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

DJ Tiesto - Loves on fire

I LOVE this track! Could listen to it all day..

Which Emoticon Are You?

Malar, the emoticon that represents you best is the Sticking-Tongue-Out Face!

What's so funny? You are! That's why the emoticon that represents you best is as good-humored as you. No matter if knock-knock jokes, sarcasm, or slapstick get you going, it's clear that you've got more than a couple funny bones in your body.

Getting a laugh out of people isn't always easy, but it seems second nature to you. You're not one to take life too seriously, and you know firsthand that laughter really is the best medicine. It's no wonder people know to look no further than you when they want to have a laugh. Late-night TV had better look out. A hilarious new comic could be on the rise!

:P

Take the Test: Which Emoticon Are You?

Brought to you by Tickle

Super IQ Test

Malar, your IQ score is 144.

Your overall intelligence quotient is the result of a scientifically-tested formula based on how many questions you answered correctly. But it's only part of what we learned about you from your answers on the test. We also determined the way you process information.The way you think about things makes you a Creative Theorist. This means you are a highly intelligent, complex person. You are able to process information of nearly every kind with ease, using both creativity and analysis to make sense of the world. Compared to others you also have a very rich imagination.



Take the test: The Super IQ Test

Brought to you by Tickle

Classic IQ Test (I LOVE Tickle.com)

Congratulations, Malar!Your IQ score is 133

Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns.


Take the test: The Classic IQ Test

Brought to you by Tickle

Bathroom Psychology

I found this gem of a video in google videos - great site to go to if you're really bored.. So anyway, this is really funny so please take the time to watch it. And no, there isn't any (total) nudity..

Epiphany

My friend had decided to celebrate her birthday at Hard Rock Cafe. I was as you can imagine apprehensive to say the least. There would be dancing.. of that I had no doubt whatsoever.

I went there prepared with various excuses that I would use whenever someone insisted I must dance. Needless to say I promptly forgot them the minute somebody grabbed my arm. So I turned into a babbling idiot mumbling something about not dancing, leg hurting (I was wearing my 3-inch heels you see) etc. and would go back to my seat and nurse my drink (the bartender couldn't make me a strawberry daiquiri so he made his version of it.. and it was awesome!).

After my third drink, I somehow found myself on the dancefloor (again), only this time I couldn't remember why on earth I wanted to go back to my seat. So I danced. And danced. And danced. Then I had to stop to visit the loo. Then I came back and danced some more. And some more. You get the idea.

So I guess I stand corrected. Dancing is fun. Coz when I think back to that night, I know I had fun. But I also know I must have looked like a right jackass with a whole bunch of left feet in the process.

Well, thats all the dancing I'll be doing folks.. until the next round of strawberry daiquiri wannabes.. or something like that ;)

Going to the gym...

Now I am a thin person.. some would say extremely thin but I disagree. Just thin.. and I accept that.

I recently started going to the gym and when I told people this, they immediately asked me one of two things:

1. Why on earth would you want to go to the gym?? You'll disappear!
2. To lose weight or to gain weight?

Now to people of the first category.. Hello? Going to the gym is not equivalent to wanting to lose weight! You can go there for general fitness too ya know! Exercise leads to a bigger appetite.

As for the others, is there really a need to ask such a question? Do I look demented to you? Do you really think even for a moment that I would consider spending an hour or so everyday to lose weight? I don't need a gym for that! I can do that with completely no effort on my part whatsoever..

So, of course, I tell these same people that I'm going to lose weight (with a completely straight face, mind you) and they totally fall for it. And at this point they become people of category 1. Its ridiculous.

Secondhand

When I go book hunting I prefer the secondhand stores. Unless its a recently published book, I stay away from 'proper' bookstores.. There's just some kind of immense joy I get when I find an Asterix, or Tintin, or Peanuts, or Garfield, or Calvin and Hobbes(Yeah I mostly go for comics..) secondhand. It just isn't the same when I look at a brand new copy.. one that hasn't been opened, spine intact, no writing on the first page..

And hey, theres always the fact that its cheaper to buy it secondhand. You can bargain with the seller too. And if you don't want to keep it, most sellers let you return it, charging a small reading charge (10-20). Its cheaper than a usual circulating library and therefore great!

If I see a used book store, I have to go in and browse. It's a compulsion. And I almost always walk away with a purchase. Not surprisingly, a large chunk of my pocket money goes in buying/borrowing books. (The rest of it goes in food, believe it or not..)

Most used bookstalls/stores have a majority of novels of every kind. I guess those are the most popular to read and return. When I can't find a comic I usually get one of those.

There used to be sooo many of these stores at Flora fountain.. pity the BMC decided to get rid of them. Thankfully they left the job half done and about 5-6 of these stalls remain. And on Sundays, it seems all the others who had to leave come and sell their books on the footpaths (the BMC is off on Sundays..). Thats when you can easily buy books for very cheap coz these people just want to get rid of their stock..

Thunderstorm

It's raining cats and dogs outside at the moment. Finally, I can assure myself that the monsoon has arrived. It certainly took its time getting here..

I love the moments just before it starts to rain. You can always tell.. The wind picks up speed.. distinct chill in the air.. no sun to speak of..

I just love thunderstorms! My favorite part has got to be the sound of the wind howling like some rabid beast, rattling the windows, trying to get in.. I love to burrow under my blankets and just lie there, listening.. I'm not a big fan of thunder.. mostly because it can jolt me awake.. but usually I can sleep through the best of them.

In such weather, most people tend not to venture out. My cat Felix, however, doesn't let himself be fazed by a bit of rain. He still demands to be let outside. And somehow, when he returns, he's never wet.. if at all he is, its only a few drops here and there or maybe the end of his tail. It's highly suspicious.. Like today, he went out when it was absolutely pouring! And when he returned some 3 hrs later, he was completely dry. How does he do it?? If I were to go out I'd be wet in 30 seconds flat. Even if I simply stood under my building, the spray would get me.. And so, I am forced to conclude that Felix has some weird rain-repelling-energy-force-thing going on and he uses this to mess with my mind!

I could extol the virtues of storms for a loooong time.. but the rain's dying down now, and my blankets beckon.. or something like that :)

Want to learn to draw? Take Science!

So I was sitting in the foyer of my college one day, my pencil flying over the pages of my Zoology journal, as I rushed to complete the seemingly endless diagrams. My classmates were sitting around me engaged in likewise pursuits. An Arts student, a friend of one of my classmates, walked up to us. I was introduced to him. He looked at my journal and said, "Whoa, nice! Are you an artist?" Bemusedly, I looked up at him and replied, "No.. I'm just a Biology student."

My father once told me, that his school teachers advised him not to pursue biological sciences. Apparently it was because he couldn't draw very well. People who could master the skill of drawing neatly on the other hand, were pushed whole-heartedly into it (which in those days simply meant medicine).

I believe, that even if you are completely rubbish at drawing, if you go into the Biology stream, you will emerge as a passable draw-er of diagrams.

The journals were always my biggest headache. I'm not too bad at drawing. There are even times when I enjoy it.. However, I am a chronic putter-offer. I may have a whole 3 months to complete the journal but I'll only begin when there's about a week left. In my first year, my Zoology journal was a combined effort. I somehow managed to get other people (from my sister to Arts students to my father to friends' parents) to draw at least one diagram for me. and 80% of my journal was completed this way in about 2 weeks. In the end, anyone who looked at my journal would have known it wasn;t all my work. Some diagrams were dark and huge; some were light and tiny; some were shaded; some were smudged. My professor was vastly amused..

Gotta post some of my (better) diagrams.. and for the record these are all 100% my work! Click on them if you want to see them bigger.. much bigger.

My Fraidycat

Lucky is a shy cat. Since she was abandoned as a kitten I always reckon her previous owners treated her badly. If you're a stranger in the house, she disappears from sight. Usually to a bedroom. If you follow her there, she runs to another room. Follow her again, she'll make a mad dash for whatever room is furthest from you.. even if she has to go right past the danger - you. Make a grab for her, and it's very likely all you'll have are scratches and some fur (yes she sheds, she sheds like her life depends on it)to show for it. So please don't try..

Stay in the house for a few days and Lucky usually gets used to you. She *might* even let you pet her. That is the highest honor she can bestow upon you because for Lucky, petting is no light matter. It's a serious job that can last from minutes to, well, hours if she can persuade you.

Early in the morning (by my standards) you can hear the impatient meows as Lucky follows you (and when I say 'follows' I mean dogs [cats?] your every step; 'you' implying anyone who is up at such an ungodly hour) around demanding that you stop and pet her. If you pause on your way, she immediately falls to her side and looks up at you imploringly. Continue on your way, and she's up and running beside you once more. It does not stop until you give in and pet her..

Usually this occurs even in the middle of the night. If, say, you get up to drink a glass of water, you'll find you have a little bell-tinkling shadow trotting beside you.. She seems to be of the opinion that we have awoken for the sole purpose of paying her a bit of attention. I must say, this cat gives the impression that she's affection/attention starved. Although its true we ignore her pitiful cries sometimes, that is anything but the case..

The utter bliss that comes over her as you start to pet her, simply cannot be described. She is enraptured by your hands. Try to lift them away and she's likely to grab them back towards her. And the purring.. never have I come across a cat that could purr so loud. In fact, I think it's something called 'trilling' that cats do when they are ve-e-e-e-ery happy.

Even if she doesn't ask (and when I say 'ask', I mean 'demand'), petting is always welcome to Lucky. Even if it means waking her from deep in kitty slumber..

Marxism

I have seen exactly one Marx Brothers movie. At the time, I had only vaguely heard of Groucho Marx - seen his caricatures here and there, seen the Groucho Marx disguise (you know, the one with the nose, moustache and shaggy eyebrows attached to a pair of glasses..although he didn't really have a moustache and eyebrows like that.. effect of grease paint!) on cartoons, etc. I didn't even know he was an actor, let alone a class-comedian.

The movie I saw was "A Night at the Opera". And it was brilliant! I recommend everyone see it atleast one time. I have never seen that kind of comedy before. It's hard to describe.. everything that comes out of Groucho's mouth is fantastic and they're usually insulting. He speaks so fast that for me, there was a delay of a second or two before my brain actually registered what had been said. I imagine thats how the person Groucho just insulted might feel as well...

Apparently, Groucho honed his wit as a result of being a middle child. It was his attention-getting gimmick. If he used writers at all, their contribution was probably at a minimum. His lines have a signature, unimitiable Groucho feel to them. His movies seem to be result of major ad-libbing. Even in his everyday life, Groucho was always switched on.

I don't mean to ignore Harpo and Chico Marx, but Groucho was always the star attraction..

Here's a few quotes from A night at the Opera:

• That's the fire escape. And, uh... that's a table, and this is a room, and there's the door leading out, and I wish you'd use it, I... I want to be alone!


• Can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?


• Was that a high C, or Vitamin D?


• Say! Now, how did those two beds get together?
  Well, you know how those things are, they breed like rabbits.


• Do you follow me?
  Yes.
  Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested!


• He couldn't come, so he gave me his ticket. He couldn't get dressed, so he gave me his clothes.

Since that first movie, I have searched high and low for another Marx Brothers movie but for some reason I can't find any. None of my VCD libraries seem to have them. It's a conspiracy I tell you! ..or something like that.

What's in a name.. chap 2

Us Indians sure do put in a lot of hard work into choosing names for children.. Here are some of the rules that seem to exist:

1. If the first child's name ends in 'a' then the second child's must too. Why? So they'll rhyme obviously..like Duh!
Ex: Varsha and Nisha
Mridusmita and Sushmita
Abhilasha and Upasana
Karishma and Kareena
Suresh and Mahesh
Amitabh and Ajitabh
Surabhi and Prachi
Sunny and Bobby

(My own mother wanted to name me Pallavi solely for the purpose of rhyming with my sister's name - Kundhavi. And she would have too, if not for my grandpa who studied the stars and insisted my name start with 'Bha'... Nowadays she regrets that she didn't name us Shakti and Jyoti.. such powerful names.. and they rhyme too!)

2. If your children are of different sexes, no problem. Make them have the same first letter(s). If you can somehow make them sound the same, even better! You probably get more points..
Ex: Kunal and Karishma
Nidhi and Nikhil
Akshi and Akshay
Richa and Rishabh

Ranbir, Reema, Rishi, Ritu and Rajeev (the Kapoors)

3. Sometimes the parents decide to ingeniously mix up their own names and bestow upon their progeny a completely unique name:
Prabhakaran + Revathy = Prabhavathy
Asha + Amit = Amisha + Ashmit

There was a movie "Om Jai Jagdish", where the mother names her three sons 'Om', 'Jai', and 'Jagdish' respectively. This was a well thought out plan because whenever she called to all three of them, she would be chanting 'Om Jai Jagdish' [- thats a mantra for all you ignoramuses (ignorami??)]. This woman would probably have kept having kids until she got 3 sons so she could carry out her evil plan to get in God's good graces.. It made me wonder if this was based on a true story... certainly seems nutty enough to be..

What's in a name...

Thought I’d give the whole backstory on my name..

People always ask about my name.. Is Malar your middle name/your father’s name/your mother’s name/your pet name?

When I was born, my grandpa said my name should begin with the sound of “Bha” according to the stars or something, so he kindly suggested Bharati. My dad apparently had his heart set on naming me Malar (which means flower if you must know). My mum didn’t particularly want to choose between her husband and her dad. So she happily decided to burden me with both names.

As if it wasn’t confusing enough having your dad’s given name as your surname.. (the perils of being a south-indian)

In school, my first name was used so I was Bharati to all. At home however, my parents called me Malar, so I was Malar to my ‘home-friends’. Now the confusion arose when my home-friends who also went to my school called me Malar in front of people who knew me as Bharati (including teachers..) They’d look wildly around to see where this Malar person came from.

Although I personally prefer Malar, (Bharati just doesn’t sound like me) my college buddies have transformed Bharati to ‘Brat’ which is absolutely me. So no more complaints from me :)

Oh and if you notice the URL for this page is a derivative of Brat.

Dear Agony Aunt

When I dance, it’s torture. Utterly excruciating, wanna-scratch-my-eyeballs-out torture. I avoid it as much as I can, but in some situations, there’s just no getting out of it. In those deadly times, I generally just sway my body from side to side, occasionally telling my legs to move here and there.. feel like a complete moron.. look at people around me and note what their moves are, determine if I can handle it and after they’re done, steal it.. the whole time I’m praying for it to be over now please God! Yes I am socially inept. Sue me.

People never seem to understand this.. They assume its shyness or just plain weirdness. Just dance, they tell me helpfully! Just do what you feel like! Let your body move! Don’t think about it, just dance! But dammit it doesn’t work! I certainly don't feel like dancing! I stand there and I’m thinking what do I do now? I can’t stop thinking.. how the hell do you stop thinking?? Someone wanna tell me? And please, no helpful suggestions of getting myself drunk..

I don’t seem to have this problem with jiving.. I think jiving is tolerable for me because there are a select number of moves that you have to do. You don’t have to come up with anything yourself.. So yes, jiving I can do :)

My problem seems to be only with free-style dancing. Yeah, that means the whole dance-like-no-ones-watching routine.. the kind anyone can do..

Sigh

I’ve heard about the famous “dance to your inner beat” suggestion. Well, I’ve tried and I don't hear any beats, rhythm, trumpets, six strings... no music whatsoever! My inner iPod is obviously kaput. What do I do?

Orange blurs and tinklebells

My cat Felix (yes, named after the notorious Felix the cat) is a devious, scheming fur-ball.. He loves the outdoors. In fact he lives for the moment he can get out of the house. If he had his way, he’d be out all day and come back only to eat…*if* he feels like it. We (and when I say 'we', I mean us ununderstanding, mean, horrible, cruel humans that Felix is forced to live with..) have managed to restrict his outings to twice a day. I have no idea how it happened but it happened. This wasn’t always the case though...

Something you should know about Felix is that he has a voice like a foghorn. So you really can't ignore him when he wants out. The only way to shut him up is to either shove him into a room, (which only muffles the meows and makes us feel like jerks) or give in and let him out.

There have been times though, when we decided enough is enough! That little devil is not going to bully us anymore! No matter how much he pleads and coaxes and demands, we are NOT giving in! He'll simply have to realize his efforts are futile.

Now, we live on the second floor of an apartment building. Felix can sense one of us coming as soon as we start climbing the stairs. He positions himself strategically so as not to alert anyone in the house of his intentions. You unlock the door and step inside. You feel something silent and vaguely orange whizzing by your legs. All you hear is the tinkle of a bell very similar to those on our cat collars. You look up and find yourself on the receiving end of our glares.. "You let Felix out!? How could you?! All that work..."

Since those times we have learned. We don’t open the door without a good amount of caution. If anyone rings the bell, we open the door only a crack and see to them. Yes, we have come to some kind of status quo with his majesty Felix so long as he gets his twice-a-day trip to the outside... without any sort of time limit of course...